Every Sunday there’s a tug-of-war within me. I was born and raised ‘in church’, was the youngest elder in United Church of Canada history, attended seminary, was ordained into the ministry and served for twenty years before burning out, trying to change things from within, trying to get people to follow Jesus instead of merely believing in him. Now, more than ever, I see and need to proclaim the vast differences between the two, between Jesus and Christianity. But I still love church. (My new book,” And Jesus Wept” – How Christianity Abandoned Jesus, will be out at the end of this month.)
I miss the traditions, the closeness, the community, the love of those around you, just being a ‘people’. Many of my dearest friends attend worship, regularly. I’d love to be with them, but when I do, I’m overwhelmed by sadness, of the awareness of how small the whole ‘package’ is, when compared to what Jesus offered and still offers.
What tempted me to break my new habit? Last week I was invited to a meeting of a church-based book club that had read one of my books, Churches: A Time to Die – Hope For New Life. They had questions for me, the author. One of the members was a dear friend and moderated the meeting. The minister of the church was one of the group. Although I’ll speak anywhere and any time to anyone, I had mixed feelings about it. Like walking into a lion’s den?
It was wonderful! What a great mix of people and experiences, all sharing with an openness that was quite unusual. Most impressive and surprising to me was the minister sharing how she often was unable to be true to God’s Word when preaching because she, as clergy, (priest) had to keep in mind the general good of the congregation. This led to a discussion regarding the two often incompatible roles of clergy, that of prophet and priest. The one called to proclaim the often-disrupting Word of God, and the other, to look after and heal the people. I reminded the group that there were no ‘priests’ in the Jesus movement until it was co-opted by the Emperor, Constantine in 325, when he refashioned it to become the one, exclusive and uniting religion of the Roman Empire. At which time, uncontrolled prophets were outlawed. But the truth remains; the two callings are vastly different and often opposite. I was called one way. She, the other. You very seldom hear God’s prophetic Word in church.
My, but I respected her so much for recognizing and agonizing over this. How hard it is to be honest to this fact that is usually overlooked and ignored within Christianity.
So, I almost joined them in worship this morning. Last evening it was firm in my mind to do so. But by this morning, it had changed. I’ll have to talk with her a bit before I do. I could be a disruption or threat and I wish them only the best. I’ve set myself up so many times before, trying to re-enter Christianity, only to end with even more sadness. And I don’t need that. But also, I can’t remain silent.
